When Life Goes East — pt 3: Practicing Hope in Relational Breakdown
By Dan Sheed
Over the past few weeks here at Central Vineyard, we’ve been exploring a biblical image that is as ancient as Genesis and as contemporary as the conversations we have around the dinner table: the motif of “going East.” In the biblical imagination, going East symbolises life lived outside of God's presence—life marked by sin, exile, and brokenness.
We began in Genesis 3, where humanity chose autonomy over trust, and Adam and Eve were exiled east of Eden. Then, last week, we dug into the story of Cain and Abel in Genesis 4. There, Cain’s jealousy and unresolved inner turmoil led to his brother’s murder—and with that act, Cain was sent even further East. A double exile.
We talked about how, beneath every relational fracture, there are usually two things simmering under the surface:
Unexamined emotions — feelings like jealousy, rejection or fear that fester when we don’t process them.
Unspoken boundaries — the assumptions we never say aloud, the crossed lines we fail to name.
And yet, we ended with a word of hope: that God is the reconciling God. That no matter how far east we find ourselves, He calls us back. He invites us into the journey of healing and relational repair.
This week, we’re continuing that journey — and turning toward the “how.” How do we begin to say yes to God’s invitation of reconciliation? How do we take practical, tangible steps of hope when relationships are strained or even broken?
This article is called Practicing Hope in Relational Breakdown, and it’s written not as a distant observer, but as a fellow traveller. Because let’s be honest — this is real stuff. These past few weeks, I’ve seen tears in the room, heard stories over coffee, and witnessed people open up vulnerably in Circles. We’re not talking about abstract theology here. We’re talking about our lives, our marriages, our friendships, our families. So, if you’re feeling the weight of this journey — you’re not alone. If you’re moved to tears or stirred to prayer, that’s a holy disruption. That’s the Spirit at work, He’s making things new.
The Ministry of Reconciliation
Let’s start by listening to some of Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 5:16–21 — a passage written not to a polished church, but to a messy, mistrusting, power-struggling community that had lost its way:
"So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view... This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person... And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ.
And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him... So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, 'Come back to God!'"
This is Paul’s bold proclamation: Reconciliation isn’t optional. It’s not a niche ministry of conflict specialists — it’s the calling of every Jesus-follower.
The Bible Project summarises Paul’s vision like this:
“Paul’s idea of new creation is not just about individuals going to heaven after they die. It’s about a restored relationship between heaven and earth that starts now — through the reconciled lives of Jesus’ followers.”
Reconciliation isn’t just a personal experience. It becomes a vocation. A ministry. A lifestyle. God initiates the process — we respond. And then we become ambassadors, sent ones, through whom God makes His appeal to the world. This means something profound: reconciliation isn’t just something we receive; it becomes something we extend.
Paul is clear:
“God... gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” (v.18)
That’s the work. That’s the call.
And yet that raises the very human question:
“But how?”
How Do We Practice Reconciliation?
Let’s be honest — reconciliation is rarely tidy. It involves risk, vulnerability, courage, and awkward conversations. And it involves the other party being willing, which is something we cannot control. It’s especially hard when the relational breakdown feels deep or complex.
But as we looked at last week, Paul encourages us to do our best to live at peace with everyone. Peacemaking is the work we’re aiming for here, which means doing our best to have things at peace on our side of the table at the very least. So how can we take a step or two towards this?
Today I want to offer two powerful practices that have helped me personally. They’re not magic bullets, but they’re tools of hope — ones I return to whenever I find myself “going East” in a relationship.
They are:
A ladder to climb.
A wall to stop building.
Let’s start with the ladder.
1. Climb the Ladder: Pete Scazzero’s Ladder of Integrity
Many of you are familiar with Pete Scazzero and his Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and Relationships materials. His core idea is simple: discipleship and emotional maturity must go hand in hand. You can’t be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.
One tool I’ve returned to over and over is Pete’s Ladder of Integrity. It’s a guide for how to process internal tension — and prepare to speak about it with love and clarity. It’s not about venting, nor about getting your way. It’s about living from your values with integrity.
Here’s how it works:
Step One: Make space.
Don’t rush. Find a quiet place — maybe it’s a walk, a beach drive, or your journal. Let the adrenaline settle. Reflect prayerfully.
Step Two: Walk through these prompts — writing your answers as you go:
I need to talk to you about… (Name the issue)
I feel… (Name the emotion)
I value… (Name the core value this touches)
I violated my value when… (Own your part)
I’m telling you this because… (Name your intent)
I need… (Make a respectful request)
How do you see it? (Open the door for dialogue)
This script helps you speak from your side of the table — with courage and care. It’s remarkably different from saying, “You always...” or “You never…”
Here’s an example of how that might sound:
“I need to talk about something that’s been weighing on me… I’ve felt… I really value… and I haven’t clearly expressed that. I realise I’ve contributed by not... I’m bringing it up because... I’d love iT IF... How do you see it?”
That’s a very different posture, isn’t it?
Step Three: Have the conversation.
Set the right time and place. Ask the other person to simply listen first — and then share your thoughts with honesty and humility. As Pete says,
“When we live out of integrity, we honour God, ourselves, and others — even in hard conversations.”
From one conflict-avoiding Enneagram 7 to the rest of you: this ladder works. Try it. Climb the ladder.
2. Stop Building Walls: Karl Martin’s Call to Curiosity
The second practice comes from a book I read during my sabbatical: The Cave, The Road, The Table and The Fire by Karl Martin. One sentence in that book detonated something in me:
“Never defend yourself.”
Let that sit.
Karl argues that when we defend ourselves — when we explain, justify, or deflect — we’re essentially playing out Newton’s third law: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Defensiveness breeds defensiveness. And before long, both parties are behind brick walls of self-protection. Nobody wins.
But what if, instead, we paused? What if we chose curiosity?
Karl writes:
“When I refuse to become defensive, the opportunity for movement on both sides, for learning, or for restoration is greatly enhanced.”
To practice curiosity means asking:
“Can you help me understand how that made you feel?”
“What happened for you?”
“That’s interesting — tell me more.”
You know you’re being curious when you’re listening more than you’re talking. Or, as Proverbs 18:13 says (with classic Proverbs bluntness):
“Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.”
So that’s my resolution this year: to stop defending myself and start being more curious. In my marriage. In my friendships. In my leadership. I’m trying to open doors instead of building walls. And honestly? It’s changing things.
Go Into The Holy Work
Finally, reconciliation is not instant. It’s rarely easy. But it is holy work.
You won’t control the other person’s response. But your posture — your willingness to take the first step — matters. As Paul says in Romans:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
So take care of your side of the table. Climb the ladder. Open the door. Practice curiosity. And trust that the God who reconciled us to Himself through Christ goes with you.
Let me leave you with three simple questions for reflection:
Is there a relational fracture in your life — maybe big, maybe subtle — where God might be nudging you toward reconciliation?
What might need to be named? Will you climb the ladder to find the words?
What’s stirring in you right now? Defensiveness… or curiosity? How might you open the door?
Take your time. Go gently. This is the sacred, slow work of hope.
And remember:
“God... has given us the ministry of reconciliation.”